Saturday, October 31, 2009

Prom Night: Disco Proms Were the Coolest.

I will start off by saying that the cover of this VHS mislead me as a young child. I always thought Jamie Lee Curtis was some kind of reverse Carrie type killer- seeking revenge on the scum of the nation known as high schoolers. Turns out Jamie Lee has little to do with any of those shenanigans. Pity.

Rather, Prom Night begins when a bunch of kids are playing a lovely game in some kind of creepy abandoned school. The game is basically hide and seek only called the killers or something. A little girl wants to join in but seems oddly confused that it's even a game at all. She seems to think the other kids really are trying to kill her- and in an attempt to escape them falls out a window to her death. Jamie Lee Curtis was her older sister and 6 years after this event the children are all magically grown up and now attending the prom. Each of the kids- who left the scene and never told anyone- receive a creepy phone call prior to the prom. It's not long before the prom gives new meaning to the term "staying alive".... That was lame sorry.

So I did not expect this movie to be a horror movie/ musical- complete with a stunning array of disco dancing scenes. Including the final scene set to disco music. Also Leslie Nielsen is the Dad! And he didn't crack a single joke.

For the most part the movie is a little slow- the kills aren't really shown- except of course for that rousing head chopping scene which was excellent. There's also a nice display of some paint blood which made me happy- but other than that kind of boring for a slasher movie.

One thing that really surprised me though was the emotional ending. I really for a second was kind of touched at the end. I guess I just don't get why the killer waited 6 years, was wearing lipstick, or why Jamie Lee never figured out how her little sister died- seeing as she was at the scene minutes before the death happened. There's also a really long chase scene in this that ends in lameness. The chase just had me scratching my head. Why didn't she run back where the dance was? Oh well oh well. And this movie also makes me realize another commonly forgotten rule of slasher movies; never suspect that the killer is "the escaped criminal/insane patient" because it never is. Except of course in Halloween.

So overall I wasn't entirely thrilled with this. Jamie Lee Curtis always distracts me because she's weird looking, and Nick and Alex looked exactly alike. In the beginning when she was having a sentimental moment with Nick I really thought it was her brother. And then she smooched him and I was like...ummm. OH and what is up with Jude being attracted/ willing to get in fatty boom batty's raper van? And why did he have a plethora of joints in that history book?! So many questions.

Buy Prom Night at Horror Movie Empire

Way to Go Moments in Horror History

Way to Go Steve Freeling

Paging Mr. Freeling...when dead bodies are buried under your house- it might take a little more than a fat little psychic to make the bad things go away. It's also strange how just getting Carol Anne back suddenly means the house is "clean". So the big question is how could Steve Freeling, after seeing a tree try to eat his son, a massive gross beast thing come out of the closet, and his daughter and wife covered in pieces of grotesque other dimension jelly allow for his family to wait for him in that crazy house?!
Apparently this was because he was too busy doing things at the office with his dumb boss who builds houses over graveyards. Fuck that. Get out of the house and get out of there now.

Thanks to his crazy decision- the house tries once again to suck Carol Anne back into it's core and steal her life force. Poor Carol Anne and Robbie just trying to live their lives when their closet turns into a pulsating fleshy intestinal track. And then Diane has to endure electric shocks, ghost rape, and a bath of mud and skeletons just to save them. Way to go Steve Freeling. Seeing coffins sprout out of the ground and skeletons flying at the car must really have scarred your family for life. Thank god the dog made it out alive or you'd be in even bigger trouble.

Friday, October 30, 2009

Phenomena: Whatever Jennifer Connelly, I Can Talk To Bugs Too.

I'm pretty floored by how much I enjoyed this film. Not only does it have our friend Jennifer Connelly in it but it also stars our old buddy Dr. Loomis. And who better really to take us on a magical journey of horror? Oh plus this movie has a Monkey that totally wins the MVP award of the movie. We'll get to that later. Now about that bug talking thing...

Jennifer Connelly is the daughter of a famous movie actor. She's been sent to an all girls academy in Europe in the very same town where some pretty violent murders of young girls have taken place. We soon find that Jennifer has an unfortunate habit of sleepwalking- especially on dangerous pieces of architecture. And what's even more- Jennifer can talk to bugs! Well she has some extra sensory connection with them at least. She can ask them to do things and they come to her aid in a moment's notice. They also help her find lost evidence from all these murder cases. Dr. Loomis then employs her to help him nab the killer with her strange ability. 

The atmosphere in this movie like many of Argento's is so secluded and seemingly cut off from the real world that it's pretty breath taking. Those shots of the hills and those winds are just really mind blowing. Something about it is so miraculous to's a strange PHENOMENA that only happens to me when I watch an Argento film- save for Mother of Tears...bleck. 

The kills and the blood weren't as graceful as usual and there was really only one that stood out but I think this films main strength is the idea of it all. A girl with unconventional psychic powers that allow her to talk to bugs and uncover the mystery of the serial killer?! While I did miss the extravagant blood I did gain a bigger appreciation for the little things. Things like how the bugs were almost supporting characters throughout the film- and even how the wind could almost be considered one too- it's presence was just so alive. 

The ending and the reveal of the killer didn't come as a total shock. But that part where she sees the shadow of a little boy and then goes over to talk to him and it's just a doll...really...really creepy. Although not as creepy as the scary running doll in Deep Red...seriously what the fuck is that?! 

While there are some moments where I find myself scratching my head- for instance did Morris serve any purpose at all? Or why does Jennifer feel like she owes Sophie something- when Sophie was a crappy roommate who made fun of her and abandoned her sleep walking watch  post??? Also why does the "killer" go out at night killing people anyways? The lack of explanation in that aspect was somewhat alarming- but I still largely enjoyed everything about the film.

The best part hands down  of course is the end. Should I say it? Ok I'm just going to say it. The fucking monkey saves the day... brilliant, just brilliant. I honestly think that if I could end every movie with a monkey coming out of nowhere and taking out the bad guy- I would. It's perfect.  The killer was a little...ehh and I felt like his backstory and the whole patient breaking into a mental asylum-getting knocked up- giving birth to a mutated crab face child could have been a bit more prominent. But overall this is one highly entertaining and engrossing film. 

EDIT: I forgot to mention the most disturbing part of this movie...When Jennifer falls into the pit of rotted dead bodies and maggot slime!!! Holy Jesus I really had to tell myself not to vom all over was just horrible. Ok that's all. 

Way To Go Moments in Horror History

Way to Go Sheriff Mooney

Let's pretend for a minute that everyone feels the same way as I do about Killer Klowns from Outer Space. Meaning it's the best cult horror movie in the world and still haunts each and every one of my dreams. Which doesn't mean by the way that's it's not still wildly hilarious.

Sheriff Mooney is all kinds of mean. He's one of those cops that likes to talk dirty. And it's especially surprising because it's not like this an episode of the Shield or something it's a quiet little peaceful town, where the biggest disturbance is a couple of nerds who say provocative things over an ice cream truck speaker. His meanness also probably stems from the fact that he's stuck playing his dean character in Animal House but I won't get into that.

Anyways- Sheriff Mooney HATES rabble rousers, hooligans, and rapscallions to say the least- oh and college kids surprise surprise. He thinks the whole world is a mess and that everyone needs to be locked up in his mini jail. So when the Killer Klowns come to town he obviously thinks that it's a joke. At first just our main characters come to complain about the Klowns. But soon- the entire town starts calling in on the phone lines. Mooney thinks it's just another big prank. Yes...a prank cleverly orchestrated by the ENTIRE TOWN. What's that you say Sheriff Mooney? You want to unplug the phones so no one can call and report any kind of emergency? Brilliant! It's no surprise then that pretty much the whole town gets taken over and turned into giant balls of cotton candy. Way to go Sheriff Mooney. We could have really used those extra policemen from Marlboro, especially since this town only has 2 cops. I guess he deserves to be turned into a human ventriloquist puppet after all.

Thursday, October 29, 2009

Home Alone: This is For You Ryan Gallagan.

Besides the fact that this movie contains a tarantula which I despise, this movie also contains another scene that I find memorable. No it's not the "creepy"/ actually nice old man who shovels too much snow, or the fact that Kevin sits down to a perfect meal of macaroni and cheese right when the clock strikes the bad guy's arrival time. It's not even the part when Kevin slaps on the aftershave. No no, it just so happens that everyone's favorite booby trap setting rapscallion shares a common fear that I once had. The fear of the evil furnance monster in the basement. Basements are usually pretty scary without there being a threat of a furnance monster- but being alone in your house and having to go down to the basement is kind of traumatizing. The worst part would be when I would have to turn off the lights and then walk up the stairs. I was always positive a monster was going to get me. Kevin's fear of the furnance is a little scarier but the furnance actually comes alive in his vision and roars and opens it's furnance mouth to reveal a fiery oven.

Are You Afraid of the Dark Part 2.

The Tale of the Vacant Lot

A lot of people forget about this episode but it's certainly one of my faves.  The main character in this one is unhappy with her life- she's nerdy, unpopular and really wants to be on the track team. She's in luck however because a strange tent has just set up shop selling everything she could ever want. The woman who runs the shop tells her a trade will suffice for payment and begins taking things that the girl thinks have no value. As it so happens those things do have value and the more that gets taken away from her, in exchange for shallow things- the uglier she becomes. The sores on her face are pus filled and gross and I just get a kick out of this episode. It's not really scary but it has a special place in my heart.

The Tale of the Unfinished Painting

I freaking love this episode. Not only does it star that girl from Flash Forward but it's just all kinds of awesome. Jewel's character is an artist who stumbles upon a strange studio filled with unfinished paintings. All she has to do is complete one and sign her name. The other girls who were there before her soon start disappearing as soon as their paintings are done. When the girl's sign their names they are instantly sucked into the painting where they remain forever. It's pretty creepy and totally reminds me of The Witches. Also there's a head in the cabinet where the magic paint brushes are kept and the scary lady that runs the studio is especially scary...good description I know.

The Tale of the Quicksilver

Another really great episode...oh who am I kidding every episode is great. This one however, stars Tatyana Ali and is generally really creepy. It's about a particularly menacing kind of ghost called a Quicksilver who haunts a specific person. Apparently Tat Tat had a twin sister who died in a fire one night- turns out she died while trying to banish the ghost- but the spell went wrong. The new kid in school has moved into that same house and his little brother is now the target of the quicksilver. It's really an interesting and entertaining episode- the quicksilver ghost is really fucking scary- especially because it just appears out of the wall- and it draws Q's on the wall...and he looks smelly. 

The Tale of the Ghastly Grinner

I'm not a huge comic book fan but this is a really creepy episode. The Ghastly Grinner is this character in a comic book and when our main character who looks like a girl with really greasy hair tries to dry out his copy in a microwave, (genius) the ghastly grinner escapes and possesses people. I just don't like the way the people turn into this giggling maniac it really freaks me out and reminds me of the joker in the original batman. AND of Evil Dead. Oh and there's also this weird blue goo dripping from places and out of people's mouths it's gross. Oh AND the ghastly grinner is this like joker/clown type character which makes him automatically scarier. Are You Afraid of the Dark loves it's clowns.

The Tale of the Closet Keepers

For some reason I'm really really obsessed with this episode. It's really not a very good one but I love the idea of it. A deaf girl gets made fun of by some asshole kid who thinks he rocks at basketball. One day while walking home, the deaf girl discovers a strange door leading to an even stranger place. Men in black suits walk around, there's a weird map on the wall and kids are locked up in cages! It turns out this place is some kind of "zoo" of humans and aliens can come and look at them. The human's cages are like a bedroom only with no real furniture. Soon the asshole boy joins her when he is kidnapped by the black suits and they have to find a way to escape. As it turns out being deaf certainly has it's advantages. I guess it's just the aliens coming and looking at the humans that just freaks me out. I'm not a huge alien fan but I don't fancy being locked in a cage and put on display to an alien family wearing oxygen masks. I also hate the weird jello concoction they get for food. Plus being abducted by scary men in black suits is also not on my to do list.

The Brave Little Toaster and Fred Savage Can Be Scary Too.


I love shrimp. It's most definitely up there on my favorite foods list and yet whenever I think of the shrimp cocktail scene in Beetlejuice I get a strange pang in my gut. I'm not sure about this but I think it has something to do with the way the shrimp morphs into huge gross shrimp hands and attacks peoples faces. This is another scene I always dreaded as a wee one and it's too bad because the Day-o song is too classic to miss. And I still never truly know when it's coming either- which certaintly complicates things like looking away at the right time, or coughing on cue- stuff like that. It's just something about the sudden change in texture- well it would have to be because somewhere along the day-o dance number, the shrimp changes from deliciousness to a terrible looking shrimp glove. And also it makes monster like noises and that ain't cool.

Little Monsters

This is a spectacular piece of film. I suppose it is pretty frickin scary, especially to a young child- and especially to me who is scared of most things like Howie Mandel. Plus, I've always had a soft spot for Fred Savage because he bears a strong resemblance to my sister when she was a young tot.

Now the thing that always struck me as super scary about this movie was the "boss" of the monster world named "Boy". He wears this terrible little boy outfit but he looks about 30 years old. He speaks in this overly creepy nice, playful tone and when the camera pans around to the back of his head you see this awful bloody head thing. Bleck. He just really makes me uncomfortable and I don't appreciate the way he tries to ruin the Fred Savage appeal of this movie. Also Ben Savage plays his little brother in the movie. Don't you just love it when real life siblings act together as siblings?


I know this isn't a movie but this has been bothering me for years and I have to get it out in the open. Does anyone remember this show? I really really hated it. I hate puppets and I hate big heads on little gross puppet arms. This entire show consisted of Mark Weiner doing just that- and it just really puts a bad taste in my mouth. Yuck I'm getting nauseous just thinking about the way it looked and the overall creepy garbage pail kid like atmosphere it brought to the table. Thank god things like this aren't on TV anymore. As scary as the witch puppet in Mr. Rogers is- he would never EVER create something as scary and awful as this.

The Brave Little Toaster

Two scenes come to mind whenever I think back fondly to my days of watching this movie. One is when the appliances go to their owners apartment and mingle with all the newer, sleeker appliances and technologies. First off you immediately don't trust these new appliances because they all have a really creepy face and smile. I mean if you look at the cute little blanket guy's face and then these guys it's like....instant distrust and malice. PLUS they are mean and sing a creepy song and then push the appliances out of the window. Fuck them. The other scene is the junkyard scene with the giant magnet thingy. I would often have nightmares about being stalked by a giant orange magnet with a face and this movie really did nothing to help that. Just the way he silently stalks the appliances and sneaks up on them and then puts them on that scary conveyor belt...egads.

Wednesday, October 28, 2009

The Best of Are You Afraid of the Dark Part One.

In honor of me just finding out that Are You Afraid of the Dark is finally on DVD I have compiled a list of some of my favorite episodes. We all have our favorites- but these are where the real nostalgia lays. I can remember everything about each of these episodes and so many of my fears today are in some way connected to these. There are a lot so you may have to sit through a few posts to get the whole list. Deep breath. These are also in no particular order.

1. The Tale of Laughing in the Dark

This is the first Are You Afraid of the Dark I ever saw. My mom yelled at my sister for watching while I was in the room, and I've been hooked ever since. The real kicker of why this one has always been scary to me is that it involves the unofficial mascot of the show- ZEEBO THE CLOWN. Hopefully you've realized by now that I hate clowns, so it should come as no surprise that I find this episode scary. Aside from the clown aspect it is a pretty scary episode. Being in a funhouse alone, the creepy pick a door scenario, being alone in your house and stalked by a scary's all a llittle jeering. Zeebo makes an appearance in at least 2 other episodes, usually as a character in a comic book or video game. And let me clarify that just because he isn't a "scary" looking clown he is still a clown and therefore scary.

2. The Tale of the Quiet Librarian

I'm still not sure why this one is scary, but I think it has to do with the overall atmosphere of a library- that and it will always remind me of the scary librarian in Ghostbusters. The premise is about a scary looking librarian who carries this box around that sucks up sound. She steals children's voice or souls or something and keeps them locked up in this hidden room in the library. The librarian only comes out at night and all she does is she stalk the library- alright so maybe it doesn't sound creepy, but let's see what happens when you break into a library at night and she comes after you!

3. The Tale of the Super Specs

This still freaks me out sometimes. Especially when I'm getting ready for a real wild night of wearing my super specs. In this one, some super specs are enchanted with magic dust and made to be the eyes to another dimension. Every time the main girl puts them on she sees these scary people covered completely in black. Everything in the alternate world is different and it just really scares me. Also this one like many of the episodes had an unhappy and hopeless ending and those just stress me out.

4. The Tale of the Doll Maker

Typically people's common fears have nothing to do with the fear of being turned into a doll- but if you've seen this episode then I'm sure you'd beg to differ. The main girl's friend in this has disappeared. Turns out she's just been turned into a doll after stepping through a special door and now resides inside the dollhouse that's in the attic. The part where she tries to rescue her friend and her friend is all creepy and "china" looking (as in porcelain not asian), and her hand falls off! Crazy shit.

5. The Tale of Locker 22

This episode although not really scary- was just incredibly awesome. The story, the mystery, the creepiness, and the ending are so smart and well done. I know I'm saying this about a Nickelodeon show but this episode is really original. A new student in school gets a locker in the basement of her new school. Inside the locker she finds a necklace. Whenever she puts on the necklace she gets transported to the the hippie era, and apparently takes the form of a student who was alive back then. She soon learns there was a tragic accident at the high school then that claimed the life of the hippie student. It's up to the main character to figure out what happened and change the past.

That's all for now. Don't forget you can watch all of these Are You Afraid of the Dark episodes on YouTube usually in 3 parts! No DVD buying necessary.

Scary Moments from Not So Scary Movies.

This may seem odd, but I’m going to categorize myself as a scaredy cat-well when real life horrors are involved. I can’t go in Haunted Houses, I can’t see really loud scary movies in the movie theater and I basically can’t do anything a normal horror movie enthusiast does-except of course watch and review horror movies. It’s kind of like how seeing someone fall is the best and most entertaining part of your day- but if you yourself are the one falling it may be the worst. Therefore I only like horror when it’s happening to other people.

That being said today’s post will feature a selection of movies that aren’t conventionally scary movies- yet for one reason or another they still make me a bit uneasy and perhaps many of you as well. This may very well be called Andre’s Scariest Movie Moments List in that aspect because like our good friends at Bravo many of these movies are not horror movies. And no I’m not putting Charlie and the Chocolate Factory or The Wizard of Oz on this- stupid Bravo and their lists. So here we go...

Back to the Future part II

Discounting part III, the Back to the Future series is an amazing piece of cinema. It’s one of those movies I can watch every single time it’s on TV and never get bored. I can quote the entire movie and make references like it’s nobody’s business. The part that always scared me however was when Marty gets sent to the wrong present day. It’s the shot of those chalked outlined bodies on the road that always freaked me out. They are practically touching each other too…were these rival gang members who killed each other or was it two lovers caught in some gunfire? Yes, I used to wonder about these things. I just always think about how scary it would be to think you’re safe and sound in good old 1985 and then realize your home has been turned into an all out war zone with dead body outlines all over the place! Pretty heavy.

Fast forward to 7:30 to see the part I'm talking about. Don't mind the bad quality.

Babes in Toyland

The story of how this movie came into my being is a wonderful one. One day at McDonald’s when they used to give away cool shit for free- they had the choice of 3 VHS's. My Dad wanted Field of Dreams but I demanded we get Babes in Toyland- that’s right the version with Drew Barrymore and Keanu Reeves. I’m sure my Dad was thrilled. Anyways besides the fact that this was an awful movie there are some scary things about it. Namely, the two trolls Zack and Mack. They have these huge hunchbacks, white faces, gross stringy hair and they just really creep me out. Plus they have rhyming names, and speak in grumbles. Oh and they live in a giant bowling bowl. Yeah, that’s some pretty fucked up stuff man.

They are in this clip and at the end they smash cakes with bats!

Return to OZ

Pretty much the entirety of this movie is frightening, but in particular any part having to do with the wheelers. Creepy men who wheeled around on all fours. What makes them creepier is that Dorothy sort of creates the wheelers when she is being wheeled away on a gurney in the mental hospital in the beginning. The wheels make that awful squeaky noise just like the wheelers do. An honorable mention creepy part is when she enters the room with all the heads, and the scary lady who can change her heads picks out a new one.... so deliciously spooky. Plus, it's little Fairuza Balk.

Pee Wee’s Big Adventure

This is probably one of my favorite movies. If you’ve never seen this I can’t talk to you properly until you do. My sister would always make fun of me because when it came time for the Large Marge scene I would always find some way to sneak out of the room. Bathroom break, getting a snack, any excuse would work just as long as I didn’t have to see Large Marge’s face morph into that claymation effect. The first time I ever saw it I screamed out loud. It’s unexpected and mean. Also Pee Wee’s dream about the clown hospital may be the scariest thing in the world. I’m not even joking.

Star Wars:

Whoever doesn’t like Star Wars can just leave right now. Besides teaching important life lessons like; how you should always let a Wookie win, and to never go out on your Ton Ton when the weather is below freezing- Star Wars has some genuinely creepy parts. In particular the scene where Luke discovers his Aunt and Uncle have been burnt to a crisp- their still smoking skeletons in the crawling position. I always felt like I could smell the stench of burnt flesh when watching this part. Also what weapon was that? I don’t remember any imperial weapons that melt bodies to the bones! Poor Luke, he’ll never get to drink his Aunt’s famous weird blue juice again.

Tuesday, October 27, 2009

Rob Zombie's Halloween: Or John Carpenter's Halloween; Special Trailer Trash Edition.


I didn't really have any gripes concerning Rob Zombie until I finally saw his remake of Halloween...but oh did that change quickly. While it certainly focuses much more on Michael Myers than the original did- I think it relies far too much on that damn Michael Myers, and reveals too much of what makes Michael Myers especially creepy. More importantly- the overall creepy seasonal feeling of Halloween pours out of the original, while in RZ's you would barely know that it was Halloween at all. There is a moment in the original when Dr. Loomis is walking the streets trying to find out where Michael went, and we see the remanents of toliet paper strewn in the trees, and the wind blowing it in this eerie manner. It's exactly the atmosphere of the end of a Halloween night. Where as a kid you felt that maybe you were out a little too late- and were worried about running into that gang of pumpkin smashers. There is that moment of the night when things stop being about fun and candy and start getting scary- and Halloween captures that. All I got out of RZ's was trash trash and more trash. Oh and Michael was flicking some candy corn there for a while...neat.

Let's begin with what we are suppose to know about Michael Myers. He killed his sister, he likes clowns maybe, he steals headstones, and idolizes William Shatner. By only knowing those things, Michael Myers is an enigma that is terrifying on his own. We don't need bullshit reasons why Michael Myers is the way he is. So he had a crappy childhood... wha wha- I'm going to kill my pet rat because my Mom's trashy boyfriend called me gay. I don't buy it. If he is supposedly "pure evil" as Dr. Loomis would say then I feel like he doesn't or even shouldn't have a reason to be so. If you're evil you're evil. You don't wake up one day and feel mad about things then go beating up bullies with sticks.

On the same sort of topic- can we please stop casting Sheri Moon Zombie in important roles. I figured she was pretty OK as Baby Firefly- delightfully creepy and childish- but then I realized watching this, that that whiny high pitched voice thing she does is just natural! She's not playing a character, that's how she acts! I honestly thought I was just watching Baby Firefly and Sheriff Wydell's life 15 years into the future. The swearing every 3 seconds thing gets annoying real fast.

Moving on from there why why why does Michael have to kill Laurie's parents?! Is this the big dramatic change that Rob Zombie was going for so that he could justify remaking this film? Not only are you spilling the beans on Laurie's history a little too soon, it's just completely unnecessary.

And my final gripe is Laurie. Why in God's name would you ever cast this girl as the lead in your movie? She looks like she's 12, acts like she's 7, wears ugly glasses- and goes from making inappropriate remarks involving bagels and her mom- to being a sweet innocent girl and worried about shouting things to strangers. I did not buy that A. parents would let her babysit their children and that B she is suppose to be our virginal heroine. Honestly where did she learn to babysit? Let's scare the kid as much as I can and be a sarcastic arsehole to him the entire time....because oh right believing in the Boogeyman is an unrealistic thing for a kid to believe in.

I was looking forward to seeing this because I did take something away from RZ's previous films. This movie spent way too much time with Michael's history and then quickly regurgitated the original movie remixed with crappy acting and stupidity. I just don't understand why everything in RZ's world has to be so trashy. Why can't Michael Myers just decide he wants to kill people? Isn't that scarier and more fitting to the definition of unexplainable and pure evil? My advice to Mr. Rob is; stop casting your friends in every single movie you do- and go back to originality and stay very clear of patterns. Nobody cares that you're shocking. By now most of us have seen Martyrs and I'm afraid no amount of swearing, rape scenes, or rat brutality is going to shake us.

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Monday, October 26, 2009

Hostel II: It's a Blood Bath... Hah

I expected to hate this one a lot more than I actually did. In fact, it is very possible that I enjoyed this much more than the first. My first thoughts within the very first moments of the film were that I hated it. Why bring Paxton back at all if you're just going to dispose of him in the lamest of ways? It felt like his sole purpose was to make this movie a part of Hostel rather than a sequel, and that's just manipulation! Once Paxton was disposed of however things got more interesting.

The change of sex in the main characters was very intriguing. I figured we would only be met with brutality and rape, but it turns out the girls are more powerful than the men, and know how to use their money wisely at that. While Hostel continues to portray Europe in a highly unfavorable light, it does it affectively as I continue to avoid ever going to eastern europe and staying in a hostel. Especially a hostel where that creepy guy is at the front desk.

It was fun to see that nothing had changed from the first. Still the same old Hostel, and the same old derelict factory- only we get to see different sides of it- and in addition to that a different side of the elite hunting company in general. I did find myself wondering however, why miss blood bather got such a nice spread when everyone else got the standard meat torturing chamber look. Oh well different strokes for different folks.

The blood bath scene was pretty amazing. I honestly didn't think Eli had it in him to make such a moving scene. The blood turned excessive kind of quickly as I would have enjoyed a much more artful dousing of it, but other than that it was a very thoughtful and original sort of kill. Bijou Phillips' character on the other hand- bit of a gyp there. Viktor Krum's sequence was very stomach turning and felt like a total throwback to Hostel where I received no pleasure from watching what was unfolding on screen. Perhaps the girls just always reign supreme.

The ending was very enjoyable to watch and I'm glad things ended the way they did because I was very worried for a second there that the whole twist and character reversal would ruin things. Overall I enjoyed the way the beginning showed all the businessmen bidding on the girls sometimes in the comfort of their own homes and even next to their family. I also liked how the movie wasn't just a regurgitation of the previous movie only with different characters. I thought it brought things to another level that was both satisfying and exciting.

While I didn't enjoy the beginning, or the lord of the rings type music that played when the two businessmen were walking to their rooms, I was still pleasantly surprised. I don't entirely enjoy these movies because they still make me feel all gross and barfy feeling-but needless to say, I am thrilled that my secret crush was able to make this movie somewhat enjoyable to me- a self proclaimed Hostel hater. Thank you Eli, you have proven me wrong.

Buy Hostel 2 at Horror Movie Empire

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Sunday, October 25, 2009

Spider Baby: House of 1000 Corpses Long Lost Relative.

It's no secret that within the first few minutes of Spider Baby you realize that Rob Zombie was inspired greatly by this film. Heck- even a young Sid Haig resides in this creepy and unsettling family.
Spider Baby tells the tale of a family who suffer from a degenerate disease that makes them crave carnage and murder- acting very much like a spider attracting bugs to it's web. They are raised by the chauffeur Bruno who gets upset every time the girls kill someone- but always forgives them in the end. Ralph played by Captain Spaulding is a pinhead type-ish boy who likes to kill cats and serve them up for dinner. Virginia is the ultimate Spider Baby catching people through the window and slicing them up with her knife pinchers. Then there's Elizabeth, who seems almost too cool for comfort at times and is always the first to tell Virginia that people hate her.

The movie is creepy because as I always say an entire family of scary murdering lunatics is always much scarier than just one murdering lunatic. I loved the beginning scene with the mailman- and was shocked to see one of his ears fall to the floor after a nice slicing from Virginia.

The movie also has a bit of comedy in it however, which gives it a nice balance. I loved how creepy and perfect the two little girls were. The perfect balance of creepy and cuteness..Virginia's spider routine is shocking and insane and I loved it. The way she slyly seduces her uncle at the end was so creepy that I had to pray to the J-man to make it stop. Her terrible love for her pet spiders was just.....bleck......I really hate spiders. And two ugly tarantulas are the worst. They were my least favorite tarantulas too. The gross black and orange kind..... gaaah I feel creepy and crawly!

Now although I don't fully understand this supposed "disease" they have or why the uncle and whoever else those people were were kept in the basement, I still loved the overall vibe of this movie. It's like the very beginning of the exploitation movies we so love and cherish. A backwoods type family at it's humble beginnings. The dinner table scene especially is fantastic in this- like when Elizabeth serves up the "salad greens" and it's just a giant bowl of weeds and grass...hahah. And of course the grilled cat, or "rabbit" ooh it's all so horribly wonderful.

The ending although predictable was just plain fun you had to know the disease couldn't just end there. And Bruno's solution to his spider babies? HA brilliant. What an enjoyable classic!

Night of the Demons: I Never Thought About Storing My Lipstick in My Boob...Thanks Demon Suzanne!

This is another VHS cover that scared the bejesus out of me. Actually now looking back it still does...and within the first few minutes when I noticed that Angela was wearing the same outfit as the scary demon, I dreaded her moment of turning. Turns out it was just hilarious and a little bit scary, but we'll get to that.

The movie is set on Halloween. We meet a couple of characters like the hooligans who like to moon cranky old men with their jack-o-lantern undies, and also our virginal hero Judy. Now the obvious immediate draw for me was that Judy's perverted little brother is DONNIE JEFFCOAT...whom you may remember from a little ditty called Wild and Crazy Kids.

Oooh Donnie. Although he now goes by Don Jeffcoat so look out!

Ok anyways....Angela and her slut bag friend Suzanne are throwing a wild Halloween bash at the creepy Hull mansion, a former funeral home. Once all the guests arrive which is a whopping total of like 7 people...things really start heating up. After a seance mirror game goes badly- demons are unleashed! One by one the guests are taken over by the demons...who will survive and who will turn into a barfy looking demon?

This movie is hilarious. It's a soft core porn, horror movie, and comedy all in one. Suzanne as the slut bag is hilarious. The best part by far is when she is putting lipstick all over her face, because you know demons don't know how to put lipstick on- and when she is done she sticks the tube straight into her nipple where it disappears inside her boob forever.

The other great thing about this movie is that all the guys are complete douche bag sex maniacs. Except maybe for Roger who knows to leave when demons might be on the loose. Only Roger has a tendency to save himself over others so that could be a problem- but he comes through in the end.

There aren't really any great kills, but the demons are good enough to make it up for it. I loved when they talked in their raspy deep demon voice and said funny things usually involving the word bitch. The demons also do a bunch of kooky things like stick their hands in the fire and perform provocative dances in front of the fireplace. When all is said and done the movie really brings the entertainment. Don't count on being scared while watching this , it's really only for the entertainment value.

And then there's also the ending scene...which is a little random but also probably the best scene out of the entire movie. Really teaches that old fart a lesson. Although I will never understand how he didn't notice what he was eating but whatever.

Saturday, October 24, 2009

Whatever Happened to Baby Jane?: She Became One Crazy Mothafucka.

Whatever Happened to Baby Jane is the ultimate predecessor to movies like Misery where you are trapped and have a wheelchair with no where to roll to. At the heart of this movie is the feeling of hopelessness and crazy people- my two favorite things. Baby Jane is a nut job who feeds her wheelchair bound sister grilled rats, and still thinks she's a darling little child performing her awful vaudeville act. Ooh baby Jane what did happen to you?

So we begin with Baby Jane Hudson and her amazing (?) Vaudeville act that seems to sell out every single night. She has a whiny warbling voice which is apparently good enough to get her creepy 3 feet dolls that look like her. She sings creepy songs about sending her father letters to heaven and no surprise here- is actually a huge brat. Her sister Blanche hides off in the wings and is embarrassed by baby Jane's constant selfishness and diva tendencies. Fast forward and we find that now Blanche is the one that has made it. She is a successful and famous Hollywood actress while baby Jane has become an alcoholic. One night following a suspicious accident- Blanche is left crippled and sentenced to a wheelchair for the rest of her life. As Jane's sanity starts to wane so does Blanche's chance for survival when left to the care of her jealous and crazed sister.

The best part I thought was when Jane served up a nice steaming bowl of rat, and bird too. Jane is so whacky in this it honestly made me a little uneasy. But seeing that rat curled up on that plate- egads! Then when Blanche tries to send the note out the window- pretty tense but also made me mad because why didn't she just yell at her neighbor that she was throwing a note to her? Or say please help me my sister is crazy and feeding me rats?

I also loved when the piano guy came and Jane revived her letter to Daddy song and the piano was just continually cringing...mwaha. And when Jane killed the maid with the hammer- superb! The film is overall pretty creepy and unsettling just because Jane is so scary. You never know what crazy thing she'll do next- and she looks terrifying as hell.

My only question was, why was baby Jane even famous in the first place? Her act sucked. If I paid money to see some bratty girl with blonde hair sing a shitty song and twirl around I would be pissed! Why are her performances selling out why why why!? Other than that basic insanity however the movie is an instant classic and what makes it even more fun is that Joan Crawford and Bette Davis hated each other in real life! Real tension, real kicks to the head...real rat feeding? I hope so.

This is hilarious

Paranormal Activity: Stop Being So Negative Jim Halpert.

Finally I have had a chance to see the movie that everyone has been talking about. It's been a trending topic on Twitter forever and I had a feeling since I did enjoy and get pretty creeped out by the Blair Witch Project- that this too would genuinely freak me out. It could have been because I watched it in 3 separate parts spread out over 3 days, or because I didn't see it in the theater with the sound amplified to the nines, OR because my version was not the theatrical version and therefore didn't end with the big ending that everyone kept talking about- but after those last few minutes ticked away, I found myself wondering- "That's all?"

I think that people were affected by this movie for a number of reasons. The first being that it responds to a primal fear of all us- the dark and hearing a bump in the night. It sparks that whole feeling of being 5 years old and dreading going to sleep because that's when the monsters or vampires or ghosts or whatever else may get you, comes out. Even as an adult, being alone in a house can still spook me quite a bit, and so Paranormal Activity takes those feelings and fears and serves it up right.

Had this not been filmed a la documentary style it would have bombed, because it would just be like every other ghost horror movie out there. The documentary style like the typical "true story" marker gives it instant appeal and belivability. The fact that there are no special affects or CGI ruining it, is also a high point. But overall I think you really have to experience this one in the theater for it to affect you.

The sounds that happen during the night are only really scary amplified. I found them to be barely startling with my set up, and sometimes I had to turn the volume up and rewind just to figure out what the big deal was.

Another problem for me was that Micah was really annoying. This is probably only because he sounded exactly like Jim Halpert from The Office and I cringed everytime he made a sarcastic joke- and envisioned him cracking a half smile/ awkward face behind the camera. Besides his voice though, his actions also really bothered me. Why are you provoking a demon? Do you really think you are macho enough to take him on? It was obviously Micah's fault that everything was happening. He had to be a little sarcastic unbeliving shithead and the demon was not down with that. He is also responsible for the negativity. If he had just put the camera down Katie wouldn't have gotten angry and fights wouldn't have ensued. But the demon feeds on negativity and was also probably allergic to baby powder- so things got out of control.

The only parts that kind of scared me other than Katie's weird jewelry making, were when she was was dragged from the bed and when the door moved by itself in the very beginning.

The part that didn't scare me at all and made me laugh however- was the Ouija board part. Moving by itself? Sure why not. Bursting into flames? Come on. I seriously laughed out loud right then and there. Those demons and their pyromaniac tenedencies! It was just a little silly. Also I have such a hard time picturing demons. Are they half goat, or are they people with big teeth who spit out curdled milk? Do they have horns? Did those foot prints look hoofish? I just don't know about those demons. I almost think I would have been more scared if it was just an angry ghost. Demons immediately push the movie into this other realm that's just a little too serious.

I want to say that I was scared beyond belief, and that I had a hard time sleeping- but I just can't. I want to tell you to believe the hype and confirm that this is the scariest movie I've seen in years- but I really can't. And I'm sad about it believe me. As someone who got pretty frickin scared by the Blair Witch Project I figured I would be screaming for the hills within the first few minutes, but I was more interested in figuring out why their house was so nice when only one of them had a steady job. Yes my ending was the original ending when premiered all those years ago and probably no where near as scary. But overall I just felt a huge feeling of disappointment. Bah I'm going to go watch Aliens!

Wednesday, October 21, 2009

Night of the Living Dead (1990) Who Knew a Butch Haircut Would Make Barbra Less Annoying and Whiny?!

The original Night of the Living Dead made me appreciate zombie's for the first time- well for the first time ever really. I wondered what this whole little thing called a remake would bring to the table and other than it being in color and some goriness, it's pretty much the same exact film- which isn't necessarily a bad thing.

Since we all know the story of the Night of the Living Dead I don't really need to go into plot details. What I found myself loving was the re-imagining of the zombies- especially the autopsy zombie in the beginning. I thought it was a pretty decent change to not just have the one zombie in the beginning. I loved seeing the coffin open in the cemetery- and empty. The only thing that really made me nuts was Barbra's butch and awful hair cut. I guess I just don't really understand how that style haircut was ever considered to be in style. We saw it in Pet Semetary, Single White Female and now this and it just has the power to really ruin a movie- but not so fast, because with her new butch haircut happens the most important and wonderful change to the original. Barbra isn't a mute, hysterical annoying biotch- she's an ass kicking renegade! This was probably my only real problem with the original. It was so annoying the way she would freak out every 5 seconds. I was always surprised that Ben didn't just shoot her. But in the remake she is a badass who knows how to wield a shotgun and kill those zombie assholes. She also discovers the key to the zombies- that they walk as slow as fuck. She's a genius- and a hero!

Tony Todd as Ben was very exciting to me- since I love Candyman. I don't think anyone will ever replace the original and how groundbreaking it was for a black man to play the lead in a movie- not to mention Ben in the original is the best hero on the planet- so Tony really had big shoes to fill. I wasn't really wowed by him but he was pretty decent and strong willed and just plain strong as ever... until he succumbed to zombie aids...lame. I wish Barbra and Ben had made it out but I guess we can't have it all.

The other change I liked was the redneck celebrations at the end. The zombies hanging in the tree was really creepy, and those rednecks are just as scary if not more than zombies. I also loved when Barbra shot Cooper and was like 'another one for the fire' HA I laughed out loud. A wise decision I couldn't agree more with that's for sure.

Overall the remake makes some really good changes that really add a certain oomph that the original sometimes lacked. It keeps things interesting and tense for most of it and gives each zombie a uniqueness that I find very entertaining. I still don't really like zombie movies but since this was a remake of a classic I had to see what was up. I still don't know how I feel about Barbra suddenly becoming the main hero but I can live with it- butch haircut or not the woman can kill a zombie. This remake kept everything that was great about the original- which makes sense because why change what is already amazing?

Buy Night of the Living Dead at Horror Movie Empire!

Tuesday, October 20, 2009

My Bloody Valentine: Valentine Bluffs is One Happenin' Town

I gotta say I'm really loving these horror movies that take place during a conventionally un-frightening holiday, Black Christmas, April Fools Day... is there an Easter horror movie? Chanukah? St. Patrick's Day? -Wait is that Leprechaun...damn! Oh well I just get a real gas out of them is all. To be honest, Valentines day is really one of the better un-scary holidays that you could make into a horror movie. All those heart and arrow images it's just asking to be turned into a violent bloody love fest.

Now I meant what I said about Valentine Bluffs being one happenin' town. In this town there is no one younger than 20 and instead of going to college you work in the mines all day and then go to a bar and drink Schlitz all night! Woohoo. Oh also fat ugly guys have attractive girlfriends, and there's only one real cop- plus they have a sick laundry mat.

The legend goes that 20 years ago there was a horrible mining accident leaving all the workers who were down there at the time dead. The rest of the workers were busy getting their freak on at the annual big Valentine's Day dance. The sole survivor, Harry Warden was found eating someone's foot and after that began killing people on Valentines day vowing that he would never let anyone celebrate Valentine's Day again. Now in the present day the town tries to throw the first Valentine's day dance in 20 years- the only problem is Mr. Party Pooper Harry Warden seems to be back and angrier than ever.

This movie is first of all extremely hilarious. I'm not sure if it's intentional but it is at times so dramatic and cheesy that it makes me really happy. It reminds me of a tamer Porky's where all the guys actually get laid- for some reason, and they are all miners who only drink Schlitz. The girls are pretty pathetic and their only sole purpose in life seems to be to decorate for the Valentine's Day dance. Which makes me wonder what they've been doing for the past 20 years.

Besides being wildly entertaining, the movie had some impressive kills. My favorites were when the old lady was killed and then put into the dryer- where it took the cop an excruciating 5 minutes to find the only dryer with blood oozing all over the glass. And my second favorite- but maybe winner for best death was that shot of the dead girl's body with the water from the shower coming out of her mouth- and showing just the slightest touch of red in the water...genius! It looked so surreal and sublimely gorey- yet we only got to see the fuzzy side profile of her face- BUT it was still extremely affective.

As for the identity of the killer? Well let's say I kind of figured it out a bit early- but his drastic change in character was amazing and his final laugh before the credits really got me in my funny bone. You won't find a necessarily cinematic horror masterpiece with this one, but it's a very delightful hour and 30 minutes filled with laughs, blood and really really creative deaths that I found to be unexpected and strangely refreshing. I'll check out the remake next- but if they don't drink Schlitz in it- I'm out.

Buy My Bloody Valentine at Horror Movie Empire!

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Monday, October 19, 2009

The Last House on the Left (2009): Put Your Goddamn Shirt On Sadie Your Boobs Suck Anyways.

I must say I was extremely dubious of remaking The Last House on the Left. Not because the original was a fantastic film- but because it's such a landmark in horror and Wes Craven's career. I feared people wouldn't understand the film and only equate the title with the remake- and I'm also just trained to believe that remakes are usually always terrible. But the movie did feature one of my secret crushes- Jesse from Breaking Bad- so I figured let's give it a shot. Oh that and I had heard it was a pretty decent remake.

Right off the bat I liked how they began with that look into Krug and his posse's life. It showed us immediately what kind of people they are, and more importantly what kind of people they will be as the movie progresses. Holding up the picture of the cops children and then killing him while his blood dripped all over the picture was really a pretty genius move in terms of setting the audience up for what they are in store for. These are people who have absolutely no remorse and no feelings of guilt and no soul really. And that may be the most dangerous kind of killer.

Now I was immediately put off by the fact that my look alike Martha MacIsaac was Mari's friend.

It honestly really really creeped me out. I didn't see the resemblance in Superbad but I couldn't stop freaking out watching this. Of course when Jesse from Breaking Bad started getting all touchy feely on her/me I have to admit I got a wee bit excited. Is that wrong? Probably. But it was still a really exciting 5 minutes of my life. Oh look here is me being held at knife-point and Jesse from Breaking Bad is touching me and whispering sweet nothings into my ear!

Siigh...I may just have to frame that and put it on my wall...

Anyways. The movie overall didn't make too many changes that were vastly different from the original. They cut out the really really uncomfortable perversions like making the girl pee her pants, and the girls have sex with each other, and the disemboweling part- which lets face it probably wouldn't have faired well for this movie in these times. That isn't to say however that the rape scene was less excruciating, because I think it may have been more painful. It was almost too close for comfort. Not that any rape is comfortable but you know what I mean. Hearing those..."sex noises" were really creepy. And it went on for like 20 minutes! It was completely in your face but without it- I'm not entirely convinced we could have hated the gang as much as we were suppose to.

Now the only real massive change is Mari's escape and entry into her own house. When I caught a glimpse of this in the preview I was absolutely appalled. I don't know why but I really thought it was going to ruin the movie. I'm still kind of unconvinced whether or not I like it. I think in one way- it gives the parents better motivation and proof- but on the other a dead child is a much deeper reason to provoke the type of revenge that the parents have. Maybe if Mari had crawled home but then died in her parent's arms? I dont know. Something seemed kind of not right there.

Other than that I really can say that I enjoyed this remake. I felt like the characters were fleshed out in particular Justin/Junior's character. I really felt for the poor kid and he wasn't just a bumbling moron. And the sad music although a little over dramatic at times sort of got me right in the heart (shhh don't tell anyone). Seeing Mari get shot while trying to swim away was still just as surprising and heartbreaking as it was in the original. It's like every time I watch Psycho I get that strange main character emotional bond to Marion and I still think for a second- that maybe she will be OK this time.

I only had a few major problems with the movie. One big one for me was Sadie's character. She was much better in the original because she was pure bat-shit crazy. In this she just annoyed me- and had her shirt off way too much. Seriously? I'm sure they decided in order to get people to see this they had to temp the teenagers with the boobies but it was annoying. She was more like a nudist with bad mood swings when she should have been a complete bat shit crazy person who likes to play with people's intestines.

And my other was the very last scene. Firstly- the Dad checked Krug's pulse I'm pretty sure. Secondly- when did he find the time to do that? And thirdly- it was so so so unnecessary. It was like they finished making the movie and then thought "crap...there isn't enough gore! quick lets blow up someone's head in a microwave!" It kind of almost made me resent the entire film because of it. Bah to unnecessary gore!

Other than that I was pleasantly surprised, and I think The Last House on the Left is a great example of a horror remake done right.

Buy the Last House on the Left at Horror Movie Empire!

April Fools Day: The Biff Tannen Fan Club is Now in Session.

Something about this VHS cover always sparked my interest as a child. It wasn't especially scary but I just loved the way the woman had her hair braided into a noose and the knife she was hiding behind her back. I think I always had a really hard time picturing someone being able to strangle someone with a noose braid, but other than that- this movie has always interested me and I'm surprised I waited so long to see it.

The movie begins with some preppy hos and guys waiting for the ferry to take them over to Muffy St. John's mansion where she is hosting a lovely weekend getaway. Right away we are dealt a very important piece of advice- that it is April Fools Day. Once the boat arrives there is an unfortunate accident and one of the guys gets his eye severely gouged out- April Fools joke or serious injury? I don't know it looks pretty bloody- and he was under the water for such a brief amount of time- how he could apply a latex wound to his head?? After this mishap things start to go from bad to worse. Muffy is big into the April Fools Pranks- champagne glasses that make you spill all over yourself, faucets that spray out at you, haywire lighting, and a tape of a baby crying hidden in a closet- the girl is a prank pro. Soon people start dropping like flies and after uncovering some startling information about their host- the surviving party goers must escape with their lives before it's too late.

I had a lot of fun watching this movie and was strangely entertained the whole time. It reminded me of Clue- one of my guilty pleasures- and also felt like And Then There Were None. It's a whodunit with some added blood and fun- what could be better?! Nothing is overly gorey in this and nothing is really crap your pants scary- but it was still extremely fun to watch. The discovery of the dolls in the attic and even some of the harmless pranks were kind of creepy. The baby crying was really...weird. and I loved the portrait with the eyes that moved revealing one of those cat clocks.

But the best part by far was the appearance of one of my favorite characters of all time.....


Biff's character is great- still kind of a major douche but lovable in his own special way. Ooh Biff.

Now a word about the ending- which I will not reveal. Some people have a problem with it but I rather enjoyed it. From the very first scene you should learn that you really shouldn't take anything these characters do too much to heart. It is April Fools Day after all.

The best moments for me were the evil jack-in-the-box in the beginning, that shot of the hotdog being squished out of the package (yes it looked like a dong.) The fact that Muffy's name is Muffy, and the bloody barbie dolls in the attic.

Overall I feel that this movie is very underrated. I've heard pretty much no one talk about it and I was pleasantly surprised that it wasn't a snoozer. Sure there's not a lot of blood or boobs- make that no boobs actually. But there is a movie that will keep you entertained and trying to guess what the hell is going on and who is wearing those awful Jason Voorhees type boots? They are also apparently remaking this- and while I am against remakes I am curious to see how they will handle this- probably make it more into a slasher film than a horror comedy/ easy on the gore heavy on the smiles type thing. We shall see.
I also extremely enjoyed the song that played during the credits- which you can listen to after the trailer.

Sunday, October 18, 2009

Teeth: I'm More Grossed Out That They Used Those Blankets.

I've heard about this one through some grapevine of horror movies that are crazy and absurd and offensive but still good. All you really need to know about this movie is that the our leading lady discovers she has a vicious pair of teeth in her vagina. Yes you heard it right. Teeth in the va-jay. Now what I find very funny and fitting is that I was just complaining about lack of penises being cut off a few posts ago and boy was I asking for it. Teeth is definitely not afraid to go there that's for sure.

This movie is hilarious, inappropriate, bloody, and offensive- basically all the things a good horror comedy should be. There is also something very intelligent going on. I loved that Dawn was part of those lovely bunch of kids that want to save themselves for marriage. At first you think how convenient a girl with teeth in her vagina has never had sex! But then they bring in this whole thing about evolution- and survival- citing the example of how the rattlesnake came to be. Then once Dawn SPOILER has sex and enjoys it and nothing happens to her partner's penis- we realize that her teeth in the vagina are a form of survival because they only strike when Dawn does not want sex to happen i.e. rape. So there we have the solution to all of the worlds problems.

Unfortunately men who see this movie find it very offensive because it's basically saying that all men are rapists. I still think however that the movie in the same way that it shows the lameness of abstinence is saying that sex is OK as long as it is used in the right way. Even though Dawn was drugged that one time and enjoyed it- she still enjoyed it just as much the next morning until she found out it was all for a bet! The movie had to feature a cast of all men who were perverted and rapists or else the movie would have had no point. If you have a movie about teeth in a vagina I'm sorry but there can't just be one rapist involved.

Now the movie was hilarious and it was also one of those movies where you kind of want to turn the sound on your laptop down and I'm pretty sure my roommate thinks I was watching a porn but WHATEVER. The things that go on in this movie will make you cry aloud words like WHAT?! and WHAT THE FUCK?! The doctor scene did that for me....when I saw that ungloved hand I was wide eyed and shocked. But the beauty of this movie is that it never really takes itself too seriously. In the hour and 30 minutes of running time Dawn has successfully matured and witnessed the real world. Although I don't believe in abstinence, one of Dawn's shirts did catch my eye; "Danger: When you have sex, everything changes" and this is actually very true. Because once Dawn's world and her eyes were opened to sex everything did change- but without that same change she would have been ignorant and so unaware of how the world is outside her perfect bubble.

I wish I didn't sound so preachy but I really enjoyed this film. It had a real point to it and actually made me think quite a bit. If you aren't too squeamish with penis gags then try this out- it is definitely an original piece of cinema.

The Haunting in Connecticut: The Ghosts in Poltergeist Were Way Better At Stacking Chairs.

After watching this movie I have come to the conclusion that ghost story type horror films are probably my favorite. Of course nothing can compare to the ultimate in ghost haunting fun that is Poltergeist but I still for some reason get a kick out of things that are supernatural.

The Campbells have recently moved to a house in Connecticut so that they can be closer to the hospital where their son, Matt, gets his treatments for cancer. Matt also looks like Robert Pattinson except that he has cancer instead of being a vampire. Soon they realize they may not be alone and finding out that their house was once a mortuary doesn't really help things. It is soon uncovered that some very very dark things happened in that house and the spirits there are pretty pissed.

So what I found to be genuinely creepy but not scary just creepy, was all the mortuary stuff. I'm sorry but after finding out that your bedroom was where they prepped bodies for burial why would you stay there at all? Especially once you found out that the mortician did a little more than normal prepping....? All plot-holes aside, the discovery of what actually went on in the house was pretty creepy. The carving of the symbols into the dead bodies, finding out most of the coffins were filled with sandbags, cutting off dead people's eyelids..and storing them in a little box. It was all very nicely creepy.

The scares however left little to be desired. Sure it's always creepy to see a figure suddenly appear in a mirror and then disappear or to see a bunch of chairs stacked horribly on their own- but those things have also been done before. The scares were also always accompanied by my least favorite form of scare tactic, a scary jolt of music. The only time I really jumped was when Virginia Madsen was in her room and then turned on the light and a scary burned face ghost was in her face- but that was a pretty cheap scare.

I had a lot of problems with certain areas as well. The drunk Dad scene was awful and really unnecessary. There was also way way too much Jesus and God shit going on. And the end was really confusing. I mean what was really going on there anyways? Although I did really like the axing of the walls and all the dead bodies spilling out- very nice touch.

But other than that I really had a hard time liking this film. I guess I'm just the ultimate Poltergeist fan but I can't help but be truthful. Poltergeist was a much more believable movie because the "ghosts" weren't in your face all the time. Their presence was very subtle and that made Carol Anne's taking all the more scary.

The story was interesting but I didn't feel like they took it as far as they could. The whole explanation of what the mortician guy was up to was a little heavy on the research. That girl had to have had all the time in the world to find out all that information from so long ago. Old maps? Yeah right. Although there wasn't a crazy twist ending like that Matt hallucinated everything in his head or something completely lame so that was good. But also once again the true story thing is a total sham. It was just a family who said they had a ghost and moved out....2 years later. Most people think they were just a bunch of whack jobs. So whomp whomp on that one.

All in all I would say skip this one. It'd probably be fun at a sleepover if I was 14 years old but now it's all just smoke and mirrors to me. Better luck next time Edward Cullen with cancer.

Buy The Haunting in Connecticut at Horror Movie Empire!

Saturday, October 17, 2009

The Burning: For Some Reason I Imagined Much Worse Things Happening When Garden Shears Are Involved.

I hadn't ever heard of this movie until I did a poll on Twitter about your favorite horror movie villain and a few people responded with "Cropsy". Who was this Cropsy fellow and what the hell is The Burning all about? A little researched came up with a film often linked to and regarded as a rip off of Friday the 13th. As it turns out The Burning was written before Friday the 13th came out and it's premises focuses on one of the most told campfire stories in camp history.

Now I don't know what it is with summer camps, and maybe it's just my exposure to horror films taking place at them- but I've never found them a real fun place to be for the summer. Kids are always getting into perverted shenanigans and then dying for it so why would anyone want to go to one? Yeah exactly. Also the shower situation in this movie really really bugged the hell out of me. It was a box in the middle of the camp. A tall camper could easily walk by and peer into every shower. I just didn't buy it. But moving on from the shower problem, The Burning is about a janitor who was horribly burned after a camp prank went horribly wrong. This is Cropsy. Now some odd years later Cropsy has returned ready to reap vengeance on the kids responsible.

Let's talk about this "prank" for a second. Firstly where did they get a skull with worms and bugs crawling out of it? Secondly what kind of prank is that. Thirdly why does Cropsy push it onto his bed in his moment of terror? The whole thing just really bugged me. Personally the Zeke the Plumber story from Salute Your Shorts is much more believable but whatever.

So Cropsy's mad alright and he gets a pair of garden shears and starts going to work. The gore and killings in this movie were very realistic and weren't afraid to show things. Like the garden shears actually cutting into the skin. Then again no one got their penis cut off which I think is a waste of a good garden shear but oh well. The color of the blood was very nice although it sometimes just looked like dyed water- like when it was splashed onto the mirror in the beginning. But other than that the blood flow did have a strangely nice artistic flow to it- which is something that I can always appreciate.

The movie is OK. But I found it was too slow most of the time and Cropsy was a barely there killer. I think the real villain here is the garden shears. Cropsy doesn't speak and then again neither does Jason or Michael Meyers but the difference is that those characters ARE characters. Cropsy is uninteresting and barely even scary. Showing his horribly burned face throughout probably could have been beneficial to his cause but I really felt no fear or remorse at all. He gets released from the Hospital, has a nice little goodbye with the doctor and nurses and then immediately finds a hooker and kills her? It just didn't make sense.

Another problem is that there was only one kid responsible for Cropsy's burning who was still at the camp and was now a counselor. And to top that off the counselor in question only gets a nip to the head? Why not brutally kill him the most if he is your original purpose of doing this Cropsy? Egads.

Overall not one of my highly recommended movies. And although I don't really like Friday the 13th, it's way better than The Burning. Although- The Burning had a better story line and opportunity to make it better than Friday. Maybe a penis getting cut off could have done the trick? Just a thought, just a thought.

Here is the raft massacre.

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